Short Little Anecdotes

Why do people in movies always practice what they’re about to say in front of a mirror? Wedding toasts, confrontations, the all important I love you even though we’re friends speech: has anyone in real life actually stood in front of a mirror and practiced this shit? I don’t think so. Hollywood bullshit.


Today in the Tops parking lot some woman stopped her car and waved me on, even though she clearly had the right of way. So I just sort of sat there with my foot on the brake. She didn’t move, so I started to inch forward. Just as I was about to let off and go for it, she started moving again too. So we both slammed the brake. Then she waved me on yet again. My question is…who is she to be making these decisions? Is she the fuckin Parking Princess? I don’t like the “Go Ahead” wave, it’s arrogant.


Another thing I hate is when someone is walking to the exact same place you are, either a few steps behind or ahead. First, it’s just awkward because you both know it’s going to be a long walk together. Second, someone ends up opening and holding all the doors. Ever get some over polite cocksucker behind you who just won’t stop saying Thank You? Here’s the rule: Thank me for the first one or two doors. After that, stop it. I’ll purposefully walk in the exact opposite direction of my destination to lose these people.


When deaf people dream, is everyone in the dream using sign language? Are there some people in there dream who just sit there shouting, thinking speaking louder will help? Or is there some odd telepathy where everything is just known? I’m interested.
Speaking of handicaps, here’s some more Hollywood bullshit: Every time a blind person meets a love interest, he or she runs their fingers over the person’s face. Without a doubt, they always say in a very romantic tone, “Oh, you’re beautiful!” They’re full of shit. They have no fucking clue. For Christ’s sake, they can’t see.


Lately my dreams have been cheating. For instance, if in my dream I have a gun or a knife, and I use it on another person, they’re always getting back up. Or the gun doesn’t really shoot bullets, it sort of just clicks. And I have to stop in the middle of the dream and say, Look, look, alright. We both know this is a gun, sweetheart, so quit fucking around and at least pretend to be dead, for the sake of narrative. When you have to reason with your dreams and persuade them into working, it takes the fun away.


I read an article the other day about technological innovations to improve the human body. The most impressive was muscles made out of shape memory alloys-- that is, the metal is highly spring-like and can flex and bend to new shapes, while still being able to return to its original form. Obviously this is a large steps towards replacing lost limbs completely, and even creating realistic androids. But speaking of androids, I believe we already have quite a few. You can speak to them, touch them, call them by a human name, you can even date them. Personal experience.


The other night I was at the bar with Dan and Bobby. We’ve been friends since probably kindergarten. Another kid we went to school with, Luke, walked in and put one arm around Bobby, the other around me, to see what was going on. Sort of an affectionate way to say Hello, I thought.So I said “Jesus Bobby, tell your Gay Uncle to keep his hands off of me.”The joke goes directly over Luke’s head, and with both eyebrows raised he turns to Bobby and asks, “Oh my god, your Uncle’s fucking gay?” I’ve been laughing about that one for days.


Once I went to Bobby’s grandfather’s house with him to get something. We were the only ones in the house but his Grandfather was going to be home shortly. I went into the bathroom and settled down for a nice relaxing read, and to see if I couldn’t do something productive in the meantime. Well, I was too productive, and when it came time to flush the toilet, the water wasn’t going down--in fact it was coming back up. In a panic I called Bobby in, thinking maybe he knew some toilet secret I wasn’t aware of at this point in my life. So, I can honestly say, “friendship” isn’t quite tangible until the both of you are chasing your turds around the floor of a rich person’s bathroom like escaped goldfish.


Dunkin Donuts has information posted on their doors reminding customers that their products were made with the same equipment that MAY have touched the ever deadly peanut. They situated this information so that you only see it on the way out. Good for them.


My sister auditioned for Snow White at Disney World after her internship as a Game Show host was up, and they offered her the job. She moved to Oregon with her boyfriend instead. Imagine how much fun I could be having on Pirates of the Caribbean right this second…


You know it’s cold when your eyeballs are freezing and your nuts can be found up in your stomach.


I was sitting in traffic on Broadway, Saratoga, driving into work one morning. A U-Haul van cut me off as I neared an intersection in the bumper to bumper traffic. Immediately the van was put into reverse, and started coming back towards me. Knowing I was stuck there, I simply beeped the horn and waited. I watched the van smash my hood and absolutely crush the fucking front of my beloved ‘98 Escort. The van’s door open and out comes the smallest, angriest Long Island Jewish-Princess I ever seen. And she screams…“Didn’t you SEE me backing up?” I went and parked my totaled car next to a Porsche 911.